Friday, Sept 5

School and Work!

Oh man so much has happened in the past month! School started and I GOT A JOB! It's a job with one of my closest friends at a scuba diving shop, which I know nothing about XD I have had zero time to do much of anything, which is nice for a change haha. I've had so much free time that I had no idea what to do. It created choice paralysis so I still never really got anything I wanted done. But now I'm just too tired to do anything in the few hours I DO have free except watch youtube. It feels so good to know that I'll be able to pay for myself again. I was really getting to be at my limit.
I learned that I wasn't going to get any financial aid this year (my tuition was paid so that was a relief) so I had no options for food, gas, or any materials I would need for class. But I got the job the Friday before school started...literally a blessing. I'm hoping that once I'm settled into a schedule again that I'll be able to find time for my hobbies. I haven't worked on my little game idea at all which I'm sad about. But it's only the second week of school and I'm already behind in one of them haha so I need to catch up fast. I have so many pictures from the past month that I want to post somewhere on my site. I'll have to figure that out.
I also got a new plant that -- HOW COULD I FORGET!? MY SNAILS HAD BABIES NOW THERE ARE SO MANYYYY!! I dont' know what to do with them...I think I might collect them and let them outside or something. They are SO CUTE though.

Monday, Aug 18

Trying to keep up the vibes

I'm feeling very optimistic at the moment. I started therapy again after not going for around 3 years and I feel more confident in it this time? Like I get very anxious around my appointments and when I'm really not doing well I will just cancel the appointment because I'm too anxious about it. But this time around, even though I still felt that way the first few times, I'm actually really looking forward to my next sessions. I brought up the feelings I had about my hyperfixations from last post and we're going to dive into that next time. I'm very interested to see how that will play out and what I'll learn about myself.
I went thrifting a couple of times these past few weeks and got some really fun things! Got some cd's and books and ICE SKATES! I'm really looking forward to going skating again. It's been so long and I've been putting it off because since I dont' have a job I obviously don't have money to go regularly. But now that I have my own skates the cost will go down by a lot so I'm excited! Things just feel a bit brighter right now. It could be because my last semester of university is starting next week. This is like the beginning of the end to the liminal space I've been residing in this past year in my life. Not being able to find a job because of my school schedule and just because the job marking in SoCal is soooo bad right now. I feel like when I'm done and have my degree and all the time in the world, that something good will come my way. Finding a job in the art world is going to be difficult but I know the fight will be worth it. I know I have the ability to create beautiful things and I'm going to work hard to only speak positively to myself this semester to build up my confidence.
I hope that whatever thing in life you're dealing with right now, you can remember that you are a beautiful human who has ups and downs but deserves love and care and that you've got this. I'm rooting for you too

Monday, Aug 11

Hyperfixation High's and Lows

So like in my last post I mentioned that I was worried about 'burning out' and stopping this whole endeavor and I can feel it happening already. I've looked into it and apparently this is common feeling that comes with hyperfixation. I haven't really thought of myself as having that tendency, but now that I really think about it...I've been this way my whole life. I've always described myself as a 'starter' not a 'finisher' and I thought that was just because I was lazy or something. The more I look into my mental health I feel that I may have autism. I'm not trying to self-diagnose but a lot of things just add up. I also worked as a behavior interventionist that worked with children with autism for the past three years and I always caught myself thinking "Dang i get you". I've been anxious for the past couple of weeks because I felt that the crash was inevitable. I could FEEL it coming. And now that I'm aware of this I just look back at all the other things I got into this year that I don't really do anymore, even though I still enjoy the idea of them. I really hope I can work with my therapist to figure out a healthier ballance with this. I'm not sure what would help but I'm sure my therapist knows haha
on the flip side though...
I SAW ATEEZ!!
It was legit one of the best concerts I've ever seen. The vibes were IMMACULATE! HongJoong's aura was PALPABLE...and I've realized that YeoSang might be my bias maybe mabye? I remember when they debuted so it was such an awesome experience to see them in person! It was also Minggi's birthday which was so sweet to experience with everyone ^^ I've been a kpop fan since like....2011 and it's been such a big part of my life. But since I moved out around 5 years ago I haven't been in touch with it, except for checking in with my faves every once in a while. Two months ago I also saw StrayKids which was INSANE. So needless to say I feel like I'm getting back into it again and it's really nice but it's also making me nervouse because of what I mentioned before about hyperfixations but mainly because kpop was basically the main thing to get me through my years long depressive episode. So getting back into it reminds me of that period in my life...It sucks that such a fun thing can be interrupted by past experiences...something I'll also mention to my therapist ^^

Tuesday, Aug 5

Maybe got ahead of myself

So I think I have to start even more from the ground up. The way I was sectioning out my layout wasn't an efficient or even really usable way of doing it and I think I just need to bite the bullet and learn..._grids...
I just really don't know how to wrap my head about it so if like you have any ideas leave me a comment when I finally get that up and running as well :/ I think I need to layout everyone I want on my webpage and at least learn how to incorporate everything, even if it's not actually organized properly.
I've become so obessed with figuring all of this out and I'm worried I'm going to burn myself out or try to do too much then quit. That's why I think starting slow and letting myself take the actualtime needed to learn what I have to learn and be okay with things not looking how I want right away. I feel like this is a result immediate gratification being applied to myself. Like that's not how life works at all - and I know that - but its easy to pressure yourself to be instantly good at everything you start. That's definitely something I need to work on.Another awesome reason to have this website! It so nice to actually have a space to unload these thoughts and feelings in a place that genuinely feels like it's mine(regardlessofhowitlooks).

Monday, Aug 4

Finally getting somewhere

I've been trying to code this website ALL DAY. And this is what I have to show for it, which is pretty awesome in my opinion! I'm not a coder and all of this is new, but its a website. It's live for everyone to see. I think that's pretty dope
I am super into learning at the moment, but I'm also worried that I'll give up at somepoint :/ I tend to be a starter, not a finisher. But I guess the cool thing is that this wep page will be waiting for me if I ever do take a breakclass
BUT IM GONNA DO MY BEST TO KEEP THIS UP! I want to add so much to this website and seeing other people's is such an inspiration. I want to make an inspiration section to shoutout other people who kept me going. Bruh, I'm speaking like I've been training for the olympics XD
I have been dying for a sense of creativity and personalization from social media. It's so freakin stale and its energy sucking, honestly. This platform just lets everyone just be themselves. Whatever that is. Whatever they like. And that is AUTHENTICITY, which is almost impossible to find today. I can't wait to find other people I vibe with and connect on things we love

What i learned today

I learned so much in just like 12 hours. I think I'm pretty comfortable customizing 'div' script and I've been pretty good with making sure to add ';'to everything! I haven't had too much of a hard time remembering that which is awesome!
but the bane of my existance are GRIDS. I gotta take a break from trying to learn that because I was about to end it all! My boyfriend knows html and he says its basically a canon event for grids to be hard to wrap a beginner's brain around. So I guess I gotta do my due diligence, bleh :p